Tuesday, October 08, 2002
So, as it turns out, having beer for lunch is a pretty great idea.
This day has been filled with bad moods, bad attitudes, and big time screaming. And that's just been the way I have been acting.
Just think how annoying the rest of these devils have been!
Rita writes me an email right before lunch and she says:
"Let's go to the West End for beers as a treat for lunch."
I think in my head: "Fuck yeah!" Cept I have no money, so Rita has to pay for everything.
We go to the W.E., we drink some beers, we laugh and we kid, and then we come back to our shit lives.
Fortunatly, neither of us really got buzzed at all, but somehow my mood has turned to the better.
Unfortunatly I have to spend an hour when I get home talking to acting guru lady Gigi. That should be a good thing. But I dread anything that's not eating, drinking, or smoking pot.
OOH!
Guess what?
Want to know something pretty horrifying?
FUCK!
Just had the most IRRITATING Email exchanges with my wonderful MIA boyfriend Paul.
God...so annoyed with him and our whole pretend relationship that I can't even get into it right now.
DAMN him.
Damn me for being so stupid for falling in love with him in the first place.
Last night, I was watching tv before falling asleep and this commercial came on that blew my fucking mind. I still don't really know how to feel about it.
There were two kids sitting in the den of one of the kid's houses. One kid was sitting at his father's desk, the other one was sitting directly across from him in a big chair. The kid in the chair was ripping tubes from a bong. (for non-pot smokers this means SUCKING EVERY POSSIBLE BIT OF SMOKE OUT OF A TUBE and then BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE IN THE ROOM)
Both of the teenagers must have been no more than 14 or 15. They were blitzed out of their mind and they were saying some stupid shit. Next thing I know the kid behind the desk rifles through some papers on his dad's desk and pick's up a handgun.
He says, while totally aiming it at the other kid: "I wonder if this is loaded?"
BAM!
(words across the screen)
"Marijuana alters your reality"
End of commercial.
Um....
I was in my bed all alone and I go, out loud: "OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!"
I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a very powerful commercial, but I am left with the following confusion:
I have been smoking pot just about every day for the last 4-5 years. In fact, I was stoned when I saw this commercial.
hee oops.
Never in my entire life have I been so stoned that I thought that it would be okay to pick up a handgun and point it at somebody, regardless of whether or not it was loaded. I don't ever remember my "reality" becoming so distorted that I thought things that were fatally dangerous became play toys.
Never once.
I have never known anyone that thought that.
Yes, I agree that we should be deterring our children or future children from using drugs. But do we lie in the process?
Pot has never distorted my reality. It has made me starving and in a better mood. It has made me unmotivated to be productive in my life. It even has gone so far as to make me hornier! !!GASP!!
But has it ever made me think that my best friend wouldn't die if I shot them in the head?
Ah...no.
I loved the commercial and I can't wait to see it again. Just for the sheer impact of it.
Would I stand by it as a valid deterrent from Marijuana?
nah.
Whatever.
Back to Paul the asshole.
I am not mad at him. I am not upset.
I miss him incredibly.
I understand that he is moving here in less than two months. But does that mean I should just sit back and not expect phone calls until then? Should I expect that I am not going to hear from or see him for two months and that that is ok?
No...it isn't okay.
It's fucking garbage.
You see...
I am an asshole. I am EXTREMELY high maintenance when I want to be. I expect gold. Never silver.
Man...he just sent me another nasty email.
Doesn't he understand? The more he's a prick to me, the less likely I am to EVER talk to him in person again.
I have no problem hanging up in his asshole face. If I have gone 5 days without talking to him at all, what's the big deal with going 5 more?
He's a shithead.
Here is the conversation we just had over email:
Joe: what is your schedule for work this weekend? If you can get off sat. maybe I can come to see you.
Joe again: Never mind. Can't do it.
Paul: That was a wierd message. I received your every thought in one message! wish I could see you. this sucks not being able to see you, but soon we will be together all the time. The search goes on! You did not sound too happy to even hear your my voice this morning. I understand you just got into work, but geez. :( Whatever.
Hope your day is going well. Mine is busy. Our event seminar series is in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow. I am busy keeping it a float here at the headquarters, it is pretty neat. You do not give a shit I am sure. Becky flew in from Cali, will see her tonight. i will tell her you are doing well and that you said hello.
(BTW...Paul was totally right in saying that I don't give a shit about his "seminar series in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow"---cuz SNORE! Talk about ANYTHING else for once!)
Joe: it would just be nice to be able to have a relationship with the boy I am supossedly dating. I have just about had it again with this long distance bullshit. I never get to talk to you, I never get to see you, we know nothing about what's going on in each of our lives. I was going to come this weekend to see you because I just missed you too much.
Since I haven't really heard from you, I decided against it.
I am not angry with you. I am frustrated with this situation and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
If you weren't moving here on Dec. 1st, I don't know how much longer I could keep up with this whole thing.
When am I going to see you next? Probably never.
(Now let's be honest...My email back was not THAT bad. --- Yet this is how he responded)
Paul: Cut the bullshit! You think I like not seeing you!!! Don't make it any harder than it is joe. You know what if I do not see you, guess what you will see me december 1st. What part do you not understand??? Give it a break, don't get worked up. Deal with life and sacrifices! You make me so depressed when you have this tone all day. You have not said or referenced one fucking positive thing since I called you at fucking 9am this morning!!!! Think about it!!! It does not help matters and I KNOW how you deal with things!!!!!
Joe: You know what? Try calling more than once a week. Try sending a letter once in awhile. Try doing SOMETHING to let me know that you are still alive out there in Boston.
You don't have the right to tell me how to feel when you make no effort to be a part of my life ever.
You, Paul, don't need to be here every weekend to keep me happy.
Maybe you should try taking time out for me via phone and letters. Maybe when I call you, as I did last Friday night, and every night of my life, you spend some time talking to me instead of going out with your friends and forgetting all about me. Expecting me to wait up until 3am to finish the conversation we started.
As I said, I am not angry with you.
In fact, I care so little about this, that I cancelled the idea of coming to see you this weekend almost as soon as I had it.
I just don't care enough anymore to argue this.
I have way too much to stress in my life without having to worry about how to deal with my MIA boyfriend.
Yell at me all you want.
That's fine.
But don't bother trying to call to make it better.
It would be changing the whole way you conduct yourself in a relationship.
Paul: Fuck that! you are real perfect. Try working more than 35 hours a week and talk to me later. Make your fucking mind up, do i say the right things or the wrong things. Oh, I thought you always had to have plans in New York. One night in and no plans, so call Paul. I am leaving work now.
Joe: Sounds good to me. Bored with you and this conversation already.
---end scene---
Pretty brutal words.
But he will pay for them later. Trust me. Don't fuck with me or I will make sure you die.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
FUCK HIM MAN!
FUCK HIM!
I hate this whole thing.
I hate how much we fight. I hate that we never get to make up.
To be honest, I have hated this for the last 3 years and it never gets any easier. It just gets more fucking irritating.
I will NEVER do this again. NEVER do long distance again for the rest of my annoying life!
This day has been filled with bad moods, bad attitudes, and big time screaming. And that's just been the way I have been acting.
Just think how annoying the rest of these devils have been!
Rita writes me an email right before lunch and she says:
"Let's go to the West End for beers as a treat for lunch."
I think in my head: "Fuck yeah!" Cept I have no money, so Rita has to pay for everything.
We go to the W.E., we drink some beers, we laugh and we kid, and then we come back to our shit lives.
Fortunatly, neither of us really got buzzed at all, but somehow my mood has turned to the better.
Unfortunatly I have to spend an hour when I get home talking to acting guru lady Gigi. That should be a good thing. But I dread anything that's not eating, drinking, or smoking pot.
OOH!
Guess what?
Want to know something pretty horrifying?
FUCK!
Just had the most IRRITATING Email exchanges with my wonderful MIA boyfriend Paul.
God...so annoyed with him and our whole pretend relationship that I can't even get into it right now.
DAMN him.
Damn me for being so stupid for falling in love with him in the first place.
Last night, I was watching tv before falling asleep and this commercial came on that blew my fucking mind. I still don't really know how to feel about it.
There were two kids sitting in the den of one of the kid's houses. One kid was sitting at his father's desk, the other one was sitting directly across from him in a big chair. The kid in the chair was ripping tubes from a bong. (for non-pot smokers this means SUCKING EVERY POSSIBLE BIT OF SMOKE OUT OF A TUBE and then BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE IN THE ROOM)
Both of the teenagers must have been no more than 14 or 15. They were blitzed out of their mind and they were saying some stupid shit. Next thing I know the kid behind the desk rifles through some papers on his dad's desk and pick's up a handgun.
He says, while totally aiming it at the other kid: "I wonder if this is loaded?"
BAM!
(words across the screen)
"Marijuana alters your reality"
End of commercial.
Um....
I was in my bed all alone and I go, out loud: "OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!"
I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a very powerful commercial, but I am left with the following confusion:
I have been smoking pot just about every day for the last 4-5 years. In fact, I was stoned when I saw this commercial.
hee oops.
Never in my entire life have I been so stoned that I thought that it would be okay to pick up a handgun and point it at somebody, regardless of whether or not it was loaded. I don't ever remember my "reality" becoming so distorted that I thought things that were fatally dangerous became play toys.
Never once.
I have never known anyone that thought that.
Yes, I agree that we should be deterring our children or future children from using drugs. But do we lie in the process?
Pot has never distorted my reality. It has made me starving and in a better mood. It has made me unmotivated to be productive in my life. It even has gone so far as to make me hornier! !!GASP!!
But has it ever made me think that my best friend wouldn't die if I shot them in the head?
Ah...no.
I loved the commercial and I can't wait to see it again. Just for the sheer impact of it.
Would I stand by it as a valid deterrent from Marijuana?
nah.
Whatever.
Back to Paul the asshole.
I am not mad at him. I am not upset.
I miss him incredibly.
I understand that he is moving here in less than two months. But does that mean I should just sit back and not expect phone calls until then? Should I expect that I am not going to hear from or see him for two months and that that is ok?
No...it isn't okay.
It's fucking garbage.
You see...
I am an asshole. I am EXTREMELY high maintenance when I want to be. I expect gold. Never silver.
Man...he just sent me another nasty email.
Doesn't he understand? The more he's a prick to me, the less likely I am to EVER talk to him in person again.
I have no problem hanging up in his asshole face. If I have gone 5 days without talking to him at all, what's the big deal with going 5 more?
He's a shithead.
Here is the conversation we just had over email:
Joe: what is your schedule for work this weekend? If you can get off sat. maybe I can come to see you.
Joe again: Never mind. Can't do it.
Paul: That was a wierd message. I received your every thought in one message! wish I could see you. this sucks not being able to see you, but soon we will be together all the time. The search goes on! You did not sound too happy to even hear your my voice this morning. I understand you just got into work, but geez. :( Whatever.
Hope your day is going well. Mine is busy. Our event seminar series is in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow. I am busy keeping it a float here at the headquarters, it is pretty neat. You do not give a shit I am sure. Becky flew in from Cali, will see her tonight. i will tell her you are doing well and that you said hello.
(BTW...Paul was totally right in saying that I don't give a shit about his "seminar series in Denver today and Dallas tomorrow"---cuz SNORE! Talk about ANYTHING else for once!)
Joe: it would just be nice to be able to have a relationship with the boy I am supossedly dating. I have just about had it again with this long distance bullshit. I never get to talk to you, I never get to see you, we know nothing about what's going on in each of our lives. I was going to come this weekend to see you because I just missed you too much.
Since I haven't really heard from you, I decided against it.
I am not angry with you. I am frustrated with this situation and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
If you weren't moving here on Dec. 1st, I don't know how much longer I could keep up with this whole thing.
When am I going to see you next? Probably never.
(Now let's be honest...My email back was not THAT bad. --- Yet this is how he responded)
Paul: Cut the bullshit! You think I like not seeing you!!! Don't make it any harder than it is joe. You know what if I do not see you, guess what you will see me december 1st. What part do you not understand??? Give it a break, don't get worked up. Deal with life and sacrifices! You make me so depressed when you have this tone all day. You have not said or referenced one fucking positive thing since I called you at fucking 9am this morning!!!! Think about it!!! It does not help matters and I KNOW how you deal with things!!!!!
Joe: You know what? Try calling more than once a week. Try sending a letter once in awhile. Try doing SOMETHING to let me know that you are still alive out there in Boston.
You don't have the right to tell me how to feel when you make no effort to be a part of my life ever.
You, Paul, don't need to be here every weekend to keep me happy.
Maybe you should try taking time out for me via phone and letters. Maybe when I call you, as I did last Friday night, and every night of my life, you spend some time talking to me instead of going out with your friends and forgetting all about me. Expecting me to wait up until 3am to finish the conversation we started.
As I said, I am not angry with you.
In fact, I care so little about this, that I cancelled the idea of coming to see you this weekend almost as soon as I had it.
I just don't care enough anymore to argue this.
I have way too much to stress in my life without having to worry about how to deal with my MIA boyfriend.
Yell at me all you want.
That's fine.
But don't bother trying to call to make it better.
It would be changing the whole way you conduct yourself in a relationship.
Paul: Fuck that! you are real perfect. Try working more than 35 hours a week and talk to me later. Make your fucking mind up, do i say the right things or the wrong things. Oh, I thought you always had to have plans in New York. One night in and no plans, so call Paul. I am leaving work now.
Joe: Sounds good to me. Bored with you and this conversation already.
---end scene---
Pretty brutal words.
But he will pay for them later. Trust me. Don't fuck with me or I will make sure you die.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
FUCK HIM MAN!
FUCK HIM!
I hate this whole thing.
I hate how much we fight. I hate that we never get to make up.
To be honest, I have hated this for the last 3 years and it never gets any easier. It just gets more fucking irritating.
I will NEVER do this again. NEVER do long distance again for the rest of my annoying life!
